Okay. So, my husband enlightened me this evening to the fact that I allow fear to dictate some of the areas of my life. Fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of change, etc. While I typically embrace the unknown, he's right. Frankly, the unknown terrifies me at times. And embracing something terrifying can be a little, well, awkward, really.
I think his words were "Worry Warthog". My husband actually referred to his pregnant wife as a WARTHOG. But that doesn't make me afraid. That makes me laugh.
As is usual when it comes to any sort of evaluation of Yours Truly a la my husband, he's totally right. Fear does creep into my life and dictate my perception of things. It clouds my vision to the unforeseen joy that also exists amidst the change or situation. I hate that it does those things because I cannot trust God completely and also live in fear. I have to choose one or the other. And I hate that sometimes I choose fear.
Hmmm. Yes, I think I just typed something I hadn't thought of before. I guess I choose fear, don't I. I suppose we always have a choice. Why on earth would I choose fear over trusting the Creator of the Universe who knows everything, even knowing His "Worry Warthog" would be typing a post on fear on this exact evening? Sheesh. I'm lame.
What I do not appreciate about fear is the way it consumes me. Fear can kind of seem harmless sometimes, like it's okay to be just a little afraid. Or, more so, we convince ourselves that fear is natural. Natural, maybe, but also contradictory to the trust in God I mentioned earlier. Before we know it, that small fear creeps into other areas of our lives until it permeates everything. And then, suddenly, everything feels very out of control. Like we're spinning and we can't stop. When, in reality, we've just chosen fear rather than trust. Fear brews chaos, while trust welcomes peace.
I was about to type "We don't have any huge life changes coming up that I should be afraid of ..." and then it hit me that Yes, actually, birthing another child and becoming a family of four might be what some consider a LIFE CHANGE. Honestly, I'm not afraid of the birth or the baby. I'm just afraid we won't do it right. The same thing I struggled with when it came to Cub. Am I doing this right?? And it turns out I've done some things well and some things not so well, and Cub is just fine. Trust. Not fear.
So, tonight, as I sit here in bed with a bowl of Special K awaiting me, I'm taking a sigh and choosing trust. I know myself and thusly I know that I will be choosing trust several times a day, as I am, after all, a Worry Warthog. But my husband also said that he's glad he married me and that he loves me. Despite my obvious shortcomings. And that empowers me to trust.
My thoughts on a Tuesday night.
Have a lovely day.