The Next Step.

These past few days, I've thought a lot about the purpose of this blog. I read through some old entries--I mean old entries, when Cub was a baby and I was a newbie Mama, maneuvering the very foreboding waters of motherhood for the first time. I have to giggle at myself when I read certain posts, especially those in which I offered advice. I mean, some of it was sound, but now, as my three ducklings scurry all around the house, I realize how very green I sound, having not experienced much of motherhood and definitely not with more than one child. The scheduling, the "I will never"'s ... they make me chuckle. And, on the other hand, I look back at that Katie and I'm really proud of her. Those were tough months and we all survived!

Funny enough, I realize that my posts now have more to do with me. How I think through things and how the events in my life challenge me. The stories about my kids are silly or sentimental, but I can tell that this blog has evolved from a means of documenting life stories to a vehicle for processing them, if that makes sense. 

And processing is something of a constant in my life. Because my life has constantly changed over the past five years. Miscarriage, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding. My hormones have soared and plummeted at astounding heights and depths, my heart has grown and burst and been broken and repaired. Since 2008 I've had a baby either in my arms or in my tummy. Constant change, constantly.

And now it's come to a screeching halt.

I'm done breastfeeding. And, we're done having babies. I know, I know, TRUST ME, there are always surprises--I know plenty of people who have taken the same steps we have and Boom! They still end up pregnant. I know. I don't need a hundred comments telling me. I KNOW. It's a reality we understand and accept wholeheartedly, really. But by means of everything within our power, pregnancy will not happen again in our family.

And, just like that, it's done.

And I'm kind of an emotional rollercoaster about it all. The thought of not being pregnant again is hard to imagine--it's been so much a part of my life. The thought of not experiencing birth again is sad. The newborn squishiness, the squirms and coos...I will miss them. And honestly, I find myself feeling a little ... lost. Becoming a mom redefined my life in a powerful way and now I'm venturing into the next stage of it: Raising kids. Doing the thing you do in your thirties, in my mind. And it's as intimidating to me as holding a newborn used to be ... something I'm totally familiar with now! Lydia turns one this month and this is the first time, since having Caleb, that I am not already pregnant with our next baby. It's crazy to think about.

And yet, at the same time, I look at our little family and my heart is full. I never saw five as being the number that would define our family, but I love it. I am so thankful that God's plans always trump our own. The busyness, the craziness, the overwhelming love and joy that fill this house, it's all because of His goodness to us. He's blessed us immensely. I'm excited to focus on our kiddos and the days that lie ahead. We've already got the minivan, now we just need a soccer game to go to, ha. I loved pregnancy and breastfeeding...that goes without saying. I absolutely loved it. But I find myself at peace with moving past it, too. I'm excited for the plans God has for our family. I'm excited for the energy and attention we will be able to devote to our kiddos.

So, this is me processing. No advice to offer, nothing noteworthy or amazing ... just the latest in our lives. The end of an era that defined me like nothing else, and the beginning of a new chapter full of its own adventures. With more stories to tell.

Have a lovely day, friends.