Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Next Step.

These past few days, I've thought a lot about the purpose of this blog. I read through some old entries--I mean old entries, when Cub was a baby and I was a newbie Mama, maneuvering the very foreboding waters of motherhood for the first time. I have to giggle at myself when I read certain posts, especially those in which I offered advice. I mean, some of it was sound, but now, as my three ducklings scurry all around the house, I realize how very green I sound, having not experienced much of motherhood and definitely not with more than one child. The scheduling, the "I will never"'s ... they make me chuckle. And, on the other hand, I look back at that Katie and I'm really proud of her. Those were tough months and we all survived!

Funny enough, I realize that my posts now have more to do with me. How I think through things and how the events in my life challenge me. The stories about my kids are silly or sentimental, but I can tell that this blog has evolved from a means of documenting life stories to a vehicle for processing them, if that makes sense. 

And processing is something of a constant in my life. Because my life has constantly changed over the past five years. Miscarriage, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding. My hormones have soared and plummeted at astounding heights and depths, my heart has grown and burst and been broken and repaired. Since 2008 I've had a baby either in my arms or in my tummy. Constant change, constantly.

And now it's come to a screeching halt.

I'm done breastfeeding. And, we're done having babies. I know, I know, TRUST ME, there are always surprises--I know plenty of people who have taken the same steps we have and Boom! They still end up pregnant. I know. I don't need a hundred comments telling me. I KNOW. It's a reality we understand and accept wholeheartedly, really. But by means of everything within our power, pregnancy will not happen again in our family.

And, just like that, it's done.

And I'm kind of an emotional rollercoaster about it all. The thought of not being pregnant again is hard to imagine--it's been so much a part of my life. The thought of not experiencing birth again is sad. The newborn squishiness, the squirms and coos...I will miss them. And honestly, I find myself feeling a little ... lost. Becoming a mom redefined my life in a powerful way and now I'm venturing into the next stage of it: Raising kids. Doing the thing you do in your thirties, in my mind. And it's as intimidating to me as holding a newborn used to be ... something I'm totally familiar with now! Lydia turns one this month and this is the first time, since having Caleb, that I am not already pregnant with our next baby. It's crazy to think about.

And yet, at the same time, I look at our little family and my heart is full. I never saw five as being the number that would define our family, but I love it. I am so thankful that God's plans always trump our own. The busyness, the craziness, the overwhelming love and joy that fill this house, it's all because of His goodness to us. He's blessed us immensely. I'm excited to focus on our kiddos and the days that lie ahead. We've already got the minivan, now we just need a soccer game to go to, ha. I loved pregnancy and breastfeeding...that goes without saying. I absolutely loved it. But I find myself at peace with moving past it, too. I'm excited for the plans God has for our family. I'm excited for the energy and attention we will be able to devote to our kiddos.

So, this is me processing. No advice to offer, nothing noteworthy or amazing ... just the latest in our lives. The end of an era that defined me like nothing else, and the beginning of a new chapter full of its own adventures. With more stories to tell.

Have a lovely day, friends.


  1. Katie...isn't it weird? You know, we're in the same boat - and have been for the past 5 years. It's such an 'odd' feeling to not be pregnant again...or at least not trying to be...and to not be breastfeeding...or covered in baby fluids or have our house filled with baby gear. It's weird. But good. I think we just need to readjust our thinking...toddlers and preschoolers are such fun too. They may not be squishy, but they are pretty awesome! And more Mama time? Bonus! ;)

    1. I too am in the same boat. Pregnancy or breastfeeding since nov 2007, hopefully to be ending next month when bebe #3 weans. I'm looking forward to getting ''me' back, however I'm not sure who that is anymore......

    2. I too am in the same boat. Pregnancy or breastfeeding since nov 2007, hopefully to be ending next month when bebe #3 weans. I'm looking forward to getting ''me' back, however I'm not sure who that is anymore......

  2. Blessings to you as you enter the next phase!

  3. Love hearing these thoughts. It is so strange to think of moving beyond this season with itty bitties and all that goes along with it, and yet I guess the advice that was given to me in my weepy postpartum-ness still holds true as we move forward: it just keeps getting better! (Not sure if that holds with teenagers? ;) But I hear the elementary years are awesome!)

  4. Becoming a mom has stretched, challenged and just plain screwed with my sense of identity more than anything I've ever experienced. I can only imagine how hard and strange it must be to switch identities...again. From baby-making-machine, to nursing mama, and over and over again...and now you are in a new phase. You still have 'babies'...they are just bigger. ;) You are such a good mom, and it is healthy to process. Thanks for letting us process right along with you. :)

  5. I love this so much, for some many reasons. I am about a year behind you... 3 year old, 1 year old, newborn and we are currenly undecided about having more babies. I don't feel done, and my husband just doesnt know, so we will see. But your parargraph about feeling kind of lost about it all ... I could have written! Its so weird to me that pregnancy and babies wont always be my life because its all I have lived and breathed ror the past 4 years when I first found out I was prengnat. So, thank you for this. And I cant wait to see all the adventures that are in store for you!

  6. Thank you for this post. I am in the same stage of life. It is sad to end that era but I like your thoughts on the next step. It is such a fun and scary time.