Friday, September 7, 2012

What Do You Do With a Drunken Pork Roast..?

One of our favorite meals at my house is Pioneer Woman's Shredded Pulled Pork. There's nothing simpler than dumping some Dr. Pepper and Adobo Peppers (or BBQ sauce, which is what we use) on a pork butt and letting it cook all day. Easy and delicious. It's especially handy when company is coming because it produces quite a few servings and everyone likes it. Win-win!

On Thursday evenings, we've started a tradition of eating with some friends of ours. The kids play while we chat and it's great. I had decided to make the Pulled Pork of Awesomeness for the meal, but when I checked our pantry, I couldn't find any Dr. Pepper.

Sneaky husband.

I scoured the cupboards for any sort of soda-pop-ish beverage that could serve as a sweet meat tenderizer, but, alas, the only drinks I keep stocked in our house are milk and water. Oh, and pink lemonade. I stood in the kitchen, fretting, until I remembered that we had a bottle of whiskey in our top cabinet.

Now, before you start thinking that my husband and I survive our wonderfully chaotic little life by being closet alcoholics, let me clarify that the whiskey was only in my possession because of another PW recipe that called for it. I cocked my head and pondered whether or not whiskey could serve the same purpose as DP. Surely. Right?

So, I unscrewed the lid, shuddered at the stench, and poured a little on top of the roast. I peeked into the pot and thought that the liquid content seemed a little low, so I poured a little more. It still didn't seem like enough, so I drenched the roast, screwed the lid back on the (significantly lighter) bottle and stashed it back in the top cabinet. I then dumped BBQ sauce on top of it, turned on the heat, and walked away to let the roast cook. Or brew. Whichever.

After a few hours, the house began to smell a little sour, but I ignored it because you really can't judge the idiocy of a decision until that decision has come to complete fruition, which, in this case, required a fully cooked roast. So I waited until the allotted cooking time had passed and only a few minutes before our friends were to arrive, I tested the roast.

I lifted the lid and despite the intolerably rancid and bitter smell, I held my breath, grabbed a fork, and proceeded to attempt to shred my shredded pulled pork.

Only it didn't shred. In fact, it didn't move. That dang roast was as solid as though it were still in the fridge.

Not one to give up so easily, I grabbed my butcher knife, shoved it down into the roast, and scraped a piece of meat onto my fork. I steeled my nerves, opened my mouth, and placed the Roast Fail on my tongue.

As quickly as the roast entered my mouth it also exited it, as I gagged and threw up in the kitchen sink.

The taste of the whiskey was so undeniably prominent that I might as well have left the pork and BBQ sauce out of the pot and written "Hot Liquor" under the Thursday slot on our menu board. It was so sour, SO sour, and I hung my head in shame as I mentally added this to the long list of domesticity fails that have occurred in my married life. Poor husband. Poor friends that were on their way over. Poor pork roast. Poor trash can that would have to endure the wretchedness of the poor pork roast.

Thankfully, Pizza Hut delivers to my house.

Have a lovely day.


  1. I just laughed really hard! I'll remember not to substitute with whiskey, thanks to you!

  2. I'm am laughing so hard. The "hot liquor" comment just cracked me up.

  3. The description is amazing- I can almost smell it! I'd never heard to add Dr. Pepper to pork, but have both in my kitchen and will be trying it soon!

  4. "Hot liquor." Bahahaha! For what it's worth, I consider myself a pretty good cook and fairly adept at making do in the kitchen, and I totally would have given the whiskey/BBQ combo a try in that situation! I mean, it just sounds like a combo that would go together, and alcohol is often used in slow cooking (hello, red wine bolognese...beef can chicken...) Who knew it could be so disastrous? Thanks for the laugh (and the inadvertent tip!)

  5. So when I read your post, I had to go to google because the whiskey + pork + crockpot seemed like such a great idea to me.. (I LOVE the combination of alcohol and meat.. actually, alcohol cooked into pretty much anything works for me).. Here's one I found that sounds great.. I don't have a slow cooker to try it out, but it sounds good.

  6. So funny! Kitchen disasters are always a good story or at least a photo op. :) I remember my brother's cat jumping and landing in the lasagna pan before it went into the oven...they cleaned out the fur and still cooked and ate it. And I remember my friend making me a banana milk shake without screwing the blender on tight and ending up with sticky banana milk all over the kitchen counter and floor. These are good times to laugh. When food goes wrong. :)