Like, ugly cry. Where your shoulders heave.
My husband laughed in surprise and told me it was okay, and through muffled sobs I tried explaining that it wasn't okay, that I had worked so hard to have the house clean and dinner ready for him, that I was just so tired, and on and on, and, ultimately, FAILURE. I'm just a big fat failure.
He shrugged and said he didn't think so and then we ate Subway.
But, the innocent mistake of dumping dinner down the drain continued to bug me all evening. I realized that it was just the stress of the week manifesting itself through much-needed tears. I am tired. I am tired and I am not sleeping. I am tired and I am not sleeping and I am caring for a one year old all day. I am tired and I am not sleeping and I am caring for a one year old all day and I have photos to edit and shoots to schedule. I am tired and I am not sleeping and I am caring for a one year old all day and I have photos to edit and shoots to schedule and several last minute tasks that need to be done for our women's retreat this weekend. FAILURE.
Please note that nowhere in that little run-on did I mention the menial housekeeping chores that still need to be done.
What's bad is that this tailspin of self-defeat spirals to the point of no return, where, regardless of my efforts, I am unable to see the positive productivity that has been accomplished. I see the bathrobe tossed on our bed as evidence of a hurried morning, but I fail to see that nicely made bed underneath it. I see the crumbs on the kitchen table, but not the wiped down countertops. The pile of laundry, rather than the organized closets. Feeling fat and unattractive, not seeing the image that is fearfully and wonderfully made staring back at me in the mirror.
I'm in this really great Bible Study on Tuesday mornings and this morning we discussed Ephesians 2, specifically verse 10 where it talks about being God's "workmanship". The New Living Translation says "masterpiece". Through God's gift of salvation through faith, and through nothing of our own, we are His masterpiece.
I think it's safe to say that I haven't exactly felt like a masterpiece this week.
I haven't allowed myself to feel like a masterpiece. I've been focusing so much on my petty shortcomings that I haven't taken the time to really step back and see what really matters. The opportunity to stay home. The privilege of serving on Women's Ministry. The joy of cooking in a kitchen with a roof over my head, for the two most important guys in my life. So, today, after a night of not sleeping well, I had a renewed perspective. If I really believe that I am God's masterpiece, it's probably high time that I started acting like it. So, I humbly passed the burden on and quit demeaning myself to something way less than God ever intended. Yes, there is still a large list of things for me to do. But, the check marks next to each item do not define my value. I needed that reminder today.
So, friends, be encouraged that regardless of the tasks that stand before you this week, you are a masterpiece because of who God has created you to be in Him. Those un-mopped floors and late arrivals to meetings have nothing on you. Sit back and remember who you are. And with your renewed perspective, get after it.
Have a lovely day.