Okay, folks, time for a very honest post here.
Okay, I mean, I'm always honest. We REALLY made homemade peanut butter. I REALLY argue with my husband about turning the fan on at night. We REALLY have a son whom we refer to as "Cub". Little Footy Pajamas is not where I house some sort of alter ego. It's me! Katie!
What I mean by honesty is, you know, those things that expose our weaknesses a bit. And I have my fair share of weaknesses (I think I even have some extras! Would you like some? You may have almost all of them, except my weakness for dark chocolate. I'll keep that one.)
Here it goes: I really, really want a girl.
Now. I realize this isn't "that bad" and that I could have done something so much worse, like rob a bank or burn a house down. But still, I have been able to see how something that started out as a simple want quickly grew into a very selfish want. I don't think all wants are selfish--in a bad way, anyway. If I want a drink of water, I'm not necessarily being selfish. If I see a car and I want it, that's fine. It's when you cross that thin line from "I want that! Okay cool whatever!" to "I NEED THAT GIVE IT TO ME NOW!" that things get a tad iffy.
And friends, I was kind of more the latter than the former when it came to "wanting" a girl.
And that really, really bothered me.
Because deep down, what I really wanted is a healthy baby. And so far, we've been blessed with that. But somewhere in this second pregnancy, I began to forget the possibility that Baby Bean could be a boy. And my husband and I became very convinced that Bean was a girl. And then, when I thought, "Wow, this COULD be a boy!" I was overwhelmed with the thought of it, simply because I had already made up my mind.
Then I realized that I hadn't even allowed the possibility for this next baby to be a boy to even enter my mind. What's up with that?? I was so bent on having a girl that I hadn't even considered that Baby Bean could be a boy. After feeling very frustrated, worried, and angry with myself, I finally did the very mature and respectable thing I always do when I feel like a mess.
I flopped myself on the bed and cried.
I know, I know, this is probably silly to cry over. But, I can't tell you how much I DON'T WANT TO CARE whether we have a boy or a girl. What kind of horrible person am I for wanting a girl?? Oh my word! Good grief! Snap out of it, Katie!
And really, pregnancy hormones aren't exactly helping the cause at all.
So, I took a deep breath, calmed my nerves, and started to pray. Yes, I prayed about this. If God cares about the sparrows and the flowers of the field, then I know He cares about this little issue with me (of course, He would probably rather deal with the sparrows at this point!). I found myself apologizing first for my selfishness. I know there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting a girl, but I REALLY wanted a girl. And I could feel that want turning into something very selfish. And in that moment I saw the Creator of the Universe take the time to calm the heart of a hormonal, tired, heart-burned pregnant twenty-something, too. After a few minutes in prayer, I found myself surrendering this pregnancy to Him, bit by bit, just as I have surrendered so many things before.
I realize that my life is somewhat of a progression of making mistakes, apologizing for those mistakes, changing for the better, making mistakes, apologizing for those mistakes, changing for the better, making mistakes, etc. And while I am frustrated with that, I also see that it is kind of the very essence of the human condition. We're humans. It's what we do. And my "mistake" in this issue was to take for granted the very special life He has given us. I was immediately very humbled. God knows how much we wanted another baby and He chose to give us another. And once the fog lifted, I finally was able to realize what I had been wanting to realize: That this little life is all that matters.
At about that time, my little Cubbie came toddling into our bedroom. And my eyes filled with tears at how much I LOVE this little man. I scooped him up and tickled his tummy and he giggled and cooed. I kissed his little head.
And then I thought, "How amazing it would be to have another little giggly boy in the house!" I found myself getting excited with the prospect of being the mom of two boys. I love boys, and having two would be loads of fun. Double the bike rides, double the worms in the washing machine, double the sports, double the love. I know that fathers and daughters have a sweet connection and I can say now that I understand how mothers and sons do, too. My son is just like a mini-me of my husband, and I love him more than I can explain.
We have our "big" ultrasound next week. And I can honestly say that I am so excited to find out (if we can) whether we are having a boy or a girl. I know that this baby has already made our family complete, just like Cub made our family complete, and I can't wait to begin preparing for his or her arrival.