Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Green Light.

I think the biggest struggle I face with Dad having cancer and dealing with chemotherapy is our lack of communication. My Dad and I usually talk more than Mom and I, so transitioning to a time in our lives where he doesn't really want to communicate--rather, it's just too hard for him--has been very, very ... weird. And I use the term "transition" lightly. It seemed as if overnight he suddenly stopped calling and when I called, he didn't have much to say. 

I've had to grapple with my own emotions and allow myself to hurt a little, but then to also get over it and recognize the reality of what is happening in Dad's life. As a parent now myself, I understand the logic behind wanting to run and hide when you are in pain. There is something inside of us that wants to protect our children from being afraid. And I think Dad knows that if I were to see him too much while he is sick, it would stoke my fear. The fear of losing him, yes, but also the fear of seeing such a giant in my life appear so weak and so feeble. Even though he is still very much a giant in my life.

So, the past few months have included very limited conversation. He'll take the phone from Mom long enough to tell me about his latest treatment, and then he hands it back to her before he goes to bed. I know he has a week off between each of his chemotherapy treatments, but I haven't seen him recently during one of those weeks. I've had to fight back a little bitterness knowing everyone in my hometown was seeing Dad when he was feeling good, while I was here, away from him. 

But, as has been shown to me in the past, God is still good. So very, very good. I have to remember that He views my life in a much bigger picture than I could ever imagine, and that all of these small moments are pieces to a much larger story that I will only recognize once I look back on it. I've learned to appreciate the small blessings, if there is such a thing. All blessings are huge, I think.

A few nights ago, Dad called me. He called me. He hasn't called me in months. He called me because he wanted to talk. I couldn't believe it. He was feeling well enough to stay on the phone for about 30 minutes and it was incredible. I was giddy with excitement. And, beyond that, he gave Cub and I the green light to come visit him this weekend. It has been hard to orchestrate visits because his white blood cell count has been too low for him to be around babies and he hasn't felt well enough to see anyone. So, this is very, very, VERY good news. And I know my Mom is beside herself, ready to cuddle her little grandson again.

I don't know what the weekend will look like, but I'm already praising God for it. In a situation where it is so easy to dwell on the frustrations and the questions, God continually brings His gentle reminders of hope and peace. And of good days.


  1. Oh I just couldn't imagine. That's got to be hard. My mom is quite anyway and when she was going through chemo, she had a hard time expressing how she was feeling. Kept it bottled up like.

    I hope it gets easier to deal with and I hope he can open up more.

    Praying for you....

  2. So glad you got to talk and get to visit soon. A lot to deal with, but this visit will restore your spirits.

  3. My coworker just passed on the book you are reading you like it? I have not started it yet but she recommended both me and my hubby read it.

    looking forward to reading your blog:-)

  4. I'm so glad that you get to see your parents again soon. Enjoy the time away from here and with them. We're praying for you guys. :)

  5. praying for a good visit with your dad. I'm sure your mom will love having you and cub around this weekend, it will be good for all of you.

  6. So happy that you get to go for a visit. I am sure it will lift everyones spirit! I just hate that you have to go through this.... but like you said, God is good.

  7. I am so glad that you get to visit with your daddy! and take sweet little cub! What a blessing!