Monday, August 18, 2014

Scaredy Cat.

I think I've lost my bravery.

I think somewhere between the child-rearing and the barrage of Facebook articles, posts, and comments, I've grown a little timid. I thought that I was stronger than that, but, right now, I'm really not. I mean, as of late, I haven't been. I've grown afraid of the risk of putting myself out there. If I zoom out and look into my world, I can understand why--my life has existed within the walls of my home for several years now since quitting my job, where I am the boss of my day, the planner of my moments. And I've jumped in with both feet into this "job", this really awesome and sometimes very hard and altogether life-changing role. But, with that, I fear I've lost my social footing. As an extrovert, this is terribly disturbing.

As I eluded in my previous post, this next phase of parenting intimidates me. And I think a big part of it is that the schooling every day, the dance, the sports ... they are luring me out of my safe place. Into the big world. And I am terribly afraid that I have lost all sense of social skill and conversational finesse (if I ever had any), and that, when challenged, I will find myself tongue-tied and blubbering. I can see it in my relationships, in my frequency online (I've shirked away from FB, which isn't altogether bad, I guess), in my daily activity--I choose "safe" rather than "unknown". I want to say things, but I don't, because I fear what others might think. I've kind of become a pansy.

I didn't mean to. I think the change just sort of slowly happened as the other things in my life took over. Play dates and trips to the grocery store are about as "out there" as I get these days, and while I'm really good at being nice to the lady at the check-out as she scans my box of Luna bars, I find myself feeling nervous about the other stuff. Talking to other parents at school. Making new friends. Sounds lame, but I kind of feel like I'm starting over as this next phase takes shape. "Hi, my name is ... COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT."

So, with the start of this new school year, I'm resolving to put myself out there. To chat with other parents, help out in the classroom, jump in with both feet. With some liquid courage (in the form of coffee, of course), surely I can try. And if I get shut down, say the wrong thing, or completely mess up, then, okay. Because I will be clumsy. It's how I roll.

But, I will try.

Can anyone relate to this?

(See? I'm putting myself out there and asking. And if the response is 'no', then, that's okay, too. Look at me go.)

Have a lovely day, friends!

1 comment:

  1. Oh my GOODNESS I have had the exact same conversation with Jonathan several times as I process all of these big changes in our lives, namely Riggs beginning Pre-K at our neighborhood public school this week. Obviously some of that comes from just watching him grow up, coupled with pregnancy hormones making me extra emotional. But when I'm honest with myself my anxiety and sadness over this change comes largely from beginning to burst the little bubble I've lived in as a stay-at-home mom over the last four years. Losing a little bit of control over our influences and schedule are scary! And, YES, to the awkwardness...I already find myself feeling nervous in anticipation of interacting with other moms that I don't know through safe places like church, college and mutual friends. All this to say, I totally relate...and then I'm going to go throwing a new baby and sleep deprivation into the mix. One ticket to Crazy Town, please!!!! ;)