See? I don't even have a picture to show for it.
But, if I did, I think it would look something like this:
Well, okay, chub up his cheeks a little and it might be a tad more accurate.
Last week was my Week of Panic. I woke up every morning feeling overwhelmed before my feet ever hit the floor. My agenda for the week was an easy one--lots of time home with the kids, two family Christmases, a playgroup ... nothing that screams "stress". And yet that familiar anxiety-ridden panic-y feeling I first recognized in my pregnancy with Caleb decided to rear its ugly head this past week.
And it was HARD.
Monday and Tuesday were bearable, but Wednesday was the beginning of the worst. I was hosting playgroup for some good friends of mine, which I usually love to do, but it seemed like nothing could go quite right that morning. A preggo belly and two toddlers made the task trickier than usual and as I hobbled around picking up, I couldn't help but reminisce back to the days when I had only one child and hosted playgroup. I'd usually have a spread of two or three brunch-y delights, a spotless house, a fresh pot of coffee, and oh, probably party favors or Mom SWAG. A totally different scene than what I was experiencing this particular morning, attempting to vacuum only a few rooms while scraping stuck-on cereal bar from the tile floor and grabbing the burning sausage roll from the oven before it went from "well done" to "house fire". It seemed that no matter how quickly I moved, I couldn't move quickly enough. I waddled to the left, waddled to the right, grunted as I bent over to pick up superfluous stuff from the floor, and right in the middle of it all, I heard a loud CRASH come from the butler pantry.
I cringed as I peeked around the corner, only to see Naomi with a terrified look on her face, holding my camera strap in one hand while my camera (still intact) laid on the floor ... with its lens shattered in at least a bazillion pieces. I felt a lump catch in my throat. Then my mind imagined a screaming newborn in the background of this overwhelming chaos, and I promptly burst into tears.
I CAN'T DO IT.
The panic continued throughout the day and a long conversation with my husband helped to ease the tension (I just love him). The next day was a bit more bearable until Friday hit and I woke up with not only a bit of panic, but a runny nose as well. Our family Christmas on my husband's side was that evening and I muscled through the evening's activities, only to barely sleep that night and wake up groggy, congested, and frustrated the next morning. As my feet hit the floor, I doubled over from pain in my lower abdomen (welcome to a constant in my life right now: UTI). I finally called the doctor and she said for me to go into the hospital for monitoring.
I didn't want to go. I knew what it would entail. I didn't want to be monitored. I knew the baby was fine and I wasn't in labor. I just wanted MEDS. Preferably through an IV. Make this UTI GO AWAY. Sure enough, they hooked me up, concluded I wasn't in labor (yes, I know, thank you) and sent me home with a prescription. Oh, here's a fun extra--I threw up in the hospital. And then I threw up later that evening, in the car (thank goodness for a to-go baggy that saved the day). All Saturday night I moaned from a deep pain in my lower back, throwing up every now and then (which was unusually excruciating) until I finally filled the tub with scalding water at 2:00 in the morning and then sat in it until the water turned cold. I threw up the next morning and was finally able to hold something down by the time Sunday afternoon rolled around. And now, here I sit, a towel on my head (yay, a shower), thankful that most of the illness has passed.
I am now in Week 35. I'm praying that the anxiety stays at bay. I can only live each day at a time and imagining the future is nothing short of futile, since I have no idea what it will be like. But y'all, I feel like I hit my lowest low this past week. I just couldn't imagine being a Mama of three. Most days I'm excited, but last week, I was terrified. I don't want to go back to that feeling again.
And thus concludes a very honest post from yours truly.
Have a lovely day.