Thursday, February 17, 2011

Pretty.

I was in the third grade the first time I considered the possibility that I could be "fat".

I was standing in the bathroom and overheard some fifth graders discussing how they felt that their jeans made them look fat and I decided that perhaps I should consider the same. It was the first time I looked in the mirror and promptly looked away, embarrassed at what I saw. I began to worry that perhaps others saw me as "fat", even though I was a pretty scrawny kid. The fifth graders were girls I looked up to, and, ridiculous as it sounds, I knew they must be right.

I can look at that moment as the beginning of a lifetime of insecurity, a sort of bizarre catalyst that planted the bug in my brain that perhaps there was something wrong with the way I looked. At the time, I was living in Southern California and attending a private school. When I think of my childhood, I think of visits to my grandparents' house in Mexico, trips to the beach, a loving family, hikes in Idyllwild, and roaming the meadow behind our house in search of centipedes. I had a good childhood. But I can't ignore the fact that where I lived was sort of an epicenter of pretentiousness that carried an influence I couldn't avoid. While the positive memories hold the majority of space in my mind, the insecure memories hold the weight, and I can look back through my life and see the victories and failures those insecurities caused me to encounter along the way.

I grew to accept what I believed to be the truth: I wasn't a pretty girl. The pretty girls wore make-up, tight jeans, had fluffy hair, and kept compacts in their back pocket. In middle school we moved halfway across the country and I found security in my brother's oversized Stussy shirts and my baggy Silvertab jeans. If I could hide, I was fine. My relationship with food was a funny one. I had a huge appetite. I remember, as a child, standing in line at In-N-Out and begging my parents for a Double-Double. I never got one, but I sure wanted one. I've always loved food. I think that was where I struggled the most. Even though I wasn't "fat", I still felt like my love for food made me fat, and I kind of despised myself for it. In high school I traded my Silvertabs for jeans that actually fit and decided that my body wasn't totally awful. I played volleyball, which kept me in shape, but I still looked at myself as a less-than member of the social circuit. One of the ladies' coaches referred to me as a "late bloomer" once and I took her comment to mean that I would never actually "bloom". I was just ... Katie. With the good personality. Thankfully, I had an enormously strong group of friends that probably saved me in many ways.

In college I gained the freshman fifteen. That began a mental and emotional battle that caused me to discard some of the food that I consumed in unhealthy ways. I never had an eating disorder--I was never systematic, calculated, or repetitious in the emptying of my stomach--I can count the number of times it happened on both hands. It was always impulsive and out of frustration. The thought of doing it on a regular basis was terrifying to me. I had seen loved ones struggle through eating disorders and I knew how dangerous it could be. I felt that I was safe, even though I was, frankly, playing with fire. I didn't always hate the way I looked, but, when I did, I hated myself even more after the food was gone. How foolish. I was standing on the edge of danger, looking down, understanding how these kinds of things can so easily spiral out of control. It was bizarre because I led this really happy life in college--I loved college! It was a full, extraordinary period in my life and the way I felt about myself was truly such a small piece of it. But it was a heavy piece.

I had an RA my sophomore year who caused me to begin to see things differently. She was this vivacious, naturally beautiful girl who had this passion and smile and vitality for life that was infectious. She was actually an authentically happy person--I know her even now and she's still just as awesome. She was athletic, but she wasn't sickishly skinny. She just enjoyed her life, and I wanted what she had. One day she caught me walking down our hall. I hadn't eaten in almost two days, the longest ever for me, and I was hoping I looked good and skinny. Instead of saying, "You look good!", she asked, "Is something wrong?"

Rather than affirming my noticeable weight loss, she questioned it.

Of course, I lied and told her I was fine. But, for some reason, her response to the way I looked opened up a floodgate of emotion I had been holding in. I called my boyfriend (now my husband) and confessed everything: the way I felt about myself, the way I didn't know how to handle it. He met me in the cafeteria and we ate dinner and talked it through. I realized that I had a choice: I could either focus on the things that made me feel insecure, or I could focus on the things that made me feel good about myself. I decided to focus on the latter. Of course, I knew it wouldn't be that easy. Retraining the brain is never a simple task. And, honestly, it's a lifelong effort.

I can't say why, specifically, that one instance totally transformed the way I decided to live my life, but it did.

I began to pursue health rather than looks, and, on my wedding day, I remember looking in the mirror and loving the way I looked--and being proud of what I saw. I was healthy. And truly happy. My means of fitting into my dress involved good old-fashioned exercise, not by laxatives or because the food in my stomach had been regurgitated. I gained weight in my first two years of marriage (desk jobs can do that), but when I felt my self-loathing begin to resurface, I stopped it and knew the steps I needed to take to regain my health. Of course, shortly after this realization, I found myself pregnant, and I promptly blimped up! But, I was okay with it. Even after this second pregnancy, where I'm doubting if my poor saggy stomach will ever again see the light of day, I'm still okay with it. I refuse to jump on a bandwagon of dieting (now labeled as "lifestyles") and I don't want to whine about how I look. I want to be proactive in pursuing health, but not be crazy. I know where crazy can lead.

Because that poignant moment eight years ago is still fresh on my mind.

And because of something else.


I don't want Naomi to think for a moment that her security lies in anything other than the fact that on June 15, 2010, God chose to give her breath. And therefore her life is priceless and the days that God has already numbered for her are purposeful and that her life is a life worth living. I want her to see that her God-given life is full and extraordinary--that pursuing Him and caring for herself as His child gives her a breathtaking beauty that no human can define.

I won't be perfect at this. But I will be purposeful.

And the journey continues on.

Have a lovely day.

21 comments:

  1. Beautifully written, Katie. I'm glad you chose a healthy lifestyle and continue to do so.

    Naomi is just stunning. And lucky to have you as a mother.

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  2. Wow. Thank you for sharing. I would have never guessed any of that about you...you're so cute and perky! I also struggled with eating growing up...I was super skinny and knew it, and didn't want anything to change that. Skipping meals was such a habit that even now, I sometimes have to consciously make myself eat when I'm hungry...my brain still knows that if I wait long enough, the hunger goes away.
    Self-image is such an important thing, and is one of the reasons that having a girl absolutely terrifies me. I hope and pray I can be a good example to my daughter.
    Naomi is blessed to have you as her mommy :)

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  3. Beautiful post. Beautiful mother. And beautiful daughter. Thanks for sharing :)

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  4. I want to specify here that a picture of Caleb would have been fitting as well. I know very well that guys struggle with this, too, and my hope is the same for Caleb as it is for Naomi. But, I think there is something different with girls and society's sexualization of them that makes understanding true worth and value especially pertinent.

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  6. Struggled with the same thing most of my teenage life and through college...I just remember it as utter darkness, and when God freed me from that enslavement life was so much better. I am with you, I don't want my little girl thinking that way about herself...finding her worth in her appearance. Hopefully she won't be as silly as her mama!

    www.sharingrace.com

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  7. I don't know many girls who can't relate to this post. Thanks so much for sharing this!

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  8. I agree, I think any girl (and maybe some guys) could relate to this post in some way. Thanks for sharing what was on your mind in a positive, healthy way. You're a great Mom and woman of God. Lucky to be your friend.

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  9. I struggle with a lot of the same issues and as a mother of an 11-month-old daughter, I have the same hopes for her as you have for your daughter. I hope that I can set a positive example for her and give her the strength to resist societal pressure and be confident in her own skin.

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  10. Wow, that brought tears to my eyes. I can relate in so many ways. I was a chubby little girl - I ate healthy, but I probably ate a little too much. My parents never said a word to me. My mom was always very sensitive about weight issues because her aunt died from the effects of a 20+ year battle with anorexia. Still other kids said stuff to me, and then in junior high, when I hit puberty, my body began to change. I thinned out and people would make comments like "oh my you look so good". I began to find my identity in how much I weighed. Much like you I didn't feel like I was really "pretty". I never had a true eating disorder either, but I got a kick out of not eating quite enough in high school. I would eat a spoonful of cereal for bkst. and half of a dry sandwich for lunch. If I was full, I wasn't happy. Thankfully, in college I grew closer to God and realized it was just wrong. I still have days when I struggle, but I've seen too many people close to me destroyed by full-blown eating disorders. I still have times that I look at my body, which after having a baby and an emergency C-section just isn't the same, and think "yuck". But I have learned to remind myself that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". I have an amazing husband who thinks I look good not matter what. I want to be healthy, not skinny. Thank you for sharing. I truly think that your post could really help some girl out there who is struggling with body image. (Sorry for the long comment)

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  11. Katie, I stalk your blog (hope that's not creepy!), but I wanted to comment on this post. I, too, struggled with food/body issues in college and a little in high school. I don't have kids yet, but I am terrified of passing this along to a future daughter. Thank you for writing this. You are an wonderful writer - succinct and beautiful and easy to read - ever thought of writing a book?

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  12. Funny how we let others impact us so much. I remember as a kid eating even when full because I was so often teased for being sooooo skinny and scrawny. Now I am having to learn what "portion" and "control" are. Old habits, no matter what they may be, are hard to break. I'm with you. I want my kids, Addison especially to have a healthy view of themselves and a positive relationship with food, not finding their self worth in self image, but rather in the image of their Creator. Great post.

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  13. Fantastic post, Katie. In high school, I never once worried about my weight. Then came college and all my insecurities came out. Needless to say, weight has been a big challenge these past 5 years. Wanting to be healthy for my family is my priority! Loved this post!

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  14. Thank you for being so raw and honest. I can relate.

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  15. Great post. I have had similar struggles with self-esteem my entire life. Hugs.

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  16. I'm glad you wrote this...it's nice that you could share it with the world and not be afraid to do so. Makes you seem more...personable...or some other word I can't think of at the moment. Definitely can relate and I'm glad those days are over and done with...I'm bringing sexy back no matter what size my jeans are...

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  17. OK, having to wipe the tears! Beautiful post. I can totally relate and am hoping the same, especially after having 2 little girls that are already looking up to me! I still have images in my mind of my mom disgustedly pinching her belly in the mirror and putting herself down in front of me. I have vowed to never do that in front of my girls because I now understand how significantly it can impact their own self-esteem for the rest of their lives.

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  18. I'm not sure how I found your blog, but that was beautifully written! Thanks for sharing :)

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  19. Katie, you should send this in to be shown as a preface on "Toddlers & Tiaras". Those poor babies are 2 and 3 and already don't think they're pretty enough or good enough. I think parents have a giant responsibility in shaping the security and self esteem in their children. A round of applause goes to you and all the other Mom's who vow to bring their children up in a haven of encouragement. It truly does wonders!!

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  20. My parents were a godly, loving presence in my life, and I still had self-image isssues. It's the fallen world we live in--I will do my best to affirm Naomi, but I know that whether or not she accepts that affirmation is a choice she will have to make on her own. It took struggling for me to realize that what my parents had taught me and told me was true.

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  21. This post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for writing it. I have a 17 month old and am terrified of the outside influence of peer groups, media, etc. I know how I will raise her, but like my own childhood, I know that no matter what it said at home, when you go to school and people say things about your appearance, you often forget what you heard at home that was positive and focus on the negative you heard at school...

    Thanks again.

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