Monday, October 18, 2010


Just as I sat down to type this, both of the kids started crying. Oh my!

For an update. We went to the Pediatrician and are in the process of possibly weaning Naomi. I say "possibly" because I started the process on Friday and yet, since then, she has stopped sleeping through the night and has shown very little difference during the day. To back track, going off of dairy helped, but periodic screaming fits returned, and the choice to wean came from the standpoint that my guilt, frustration, and worry over every tiny bite of food that entered my mouth could potentially make my child sick was a burden that was causing me to cry every day. It's difficult for me to reconcile giving my baby formula. I now have a can of something who's primary ingredient is MALTODEXTRIN wedged between my organic spaghetti sauce and couscous. I love breast feeding so much. I receive emails, Facebook messages, and texts from people asking for breast feeding advice. It's so much of who I am, in a way, that the thought of not doing it is almost causing a bit of an identity crisis, which is odd when you think about it. It's difficult for me to imagine that, at this point, formula might be the better option (how prideful of me, I know). But, mentally, for me, it might be. I can stay off of dairy. But I can't stand to hear my baby scream.

(And please, if you have always used formula and don't breast feed, please do not take this that I am judging you at all. I'm not. Lots of the advice in those breast feeding phone calls and emails I receive are me telling people to go to formula. It's more important for Mama to be sane and okay, in my opinion, as breast feeding can be stressful ... obviously.)

The changes I was hoping to see in Naomi physically since changing to formula are not coming yet, but it's only been a few days. This is not a post where I am seeking advice or wanting help, and I definitely do not need anyone telling me that breast milk is best. If I didn't believe that myself, I would not have gone through such great lengths in modifying my diet to make it safe for Naomi. People have told me that what I eat doesn't make a difference. They are fine to believe that. Experience has shown me differently.

This is just a post so you know where I am. This blog is about honesty and the honest truth is that I am wading into waters that are the toughest since Naomi has been born. I will expound on the details later, but weaning has been emotionally and physically difficult and there are so many factors playing into it. And yet, deep down, I know it is the right thing to do, for not only her well-being, but for my emotional and mental health as a Mom.

Perspective tells me that this is a small stage that will be a tiny blip on the radar later in life. But momentarily I'm kind of immersed in it, struggling to see outside of it. In a few days, life might be grand and easy and perfect and yay! But since Saturday, it's been tough and I'm preparing myself for a tough week ahead.

This is just tough. But thanks for listening.


  1. How frustrating for you friend! We too have been having breast feeding issues, I haven't had to quit eating dairy or anything as extreme as you've been doing, but Anna prefers a bottle. She is really frustrated when it comes to nursing and will refuse to eat at times unless it comes from a bottle. So a month ago I started pumping after every bottle feeding so she continued to get breast milk, but the time it takes to both bottle feed and then pump is way too ridiculous with another child around. I am partially weaning her, I now am nursing first thing in the morning and at night and the rest of Anna's feedings are formula. I too struggle with the "failure" mentality, but bottom line is that Anna is eating even if it's not in the way I had hoped. Because of her refusal to breastfeed at times, she weighed 9lbs. 8oz. at 3 months, so the pediatrician said it was time to supplement.

    I feel badly that the formula feeding hasn't solved the problem immediately for you, that really is frustrating. You do whatever is best Katie, don't beat yourself up over this, hopefully after a few more days of formula things will improve for Naomi. I think what is harder for me is that with Grace and maybe Caleb, nursing was a huge success. Having a 2nd that isn't nursing well is hard to handle.

    Sorry for the long post, but hang in there, I'll be praying for your sanity and an answer to your sweet baby girls feeding needs!

  2. It's so ridiculous to me how much time women, and mothers in particular, spend tearing each other down. It's as if we've completely lost all sense of community. We need to support each other, ladies! I can't imagine someone telling you "breast milk is best" after all you've been through.

    Katie, you've done an amazing job! Every day I am in awe at all the sacrifices you make for your children. I'm thinking of you through this tough time.

  3. My son was 5 weeks early, so I had no choice but to supplement with formula. It would take him an hour to eat an ounce, and both my husband and I would have to coax him to eat. He ate every three hours so after spending an hour coaxing him to eat I would then spend about 20 minutes pumping. I would get about an 1 1/2 hour break, and we would start all over again. I did this around the clock for 3 weeks. At the end of the three weeks I was mentally and physically exhausted. My doctor said no more pumping, and made me go to formula only. I was on the brink of major depression. The guilt I felt about no longer breast feeding, however, was almost overwhelming. And then other people felt the need to make rude comments. Finally and thankfully, I realized that while yes breast milk is best, formula would not permanently harm my son. It is definitely more important to have a sane mama. Needless to say, I have a very healthy three year old now. I think the greatest lesson I learned from this is the importance of balance. I tend to take the healthy food thing to an extreme. I'm learning that yes on a day-to-day basis my family needs to eat healthy, but not everything that touches my son's lips is going to be healthy (and that's okay). Don't stress about not breast feeding. You have to do what's best for both of you in order to have a happy, healthy family as a whole. Hopefully, things will get better soon.

  4. Love you, friend. You're a wonderful Mommy.

  5. I love you and the way you care so deeply for your children. I hope you can find some time soon to relax in the arms of the One who Comforts.

  6. i love your honesty. i think you and your words are a true example of what it means when Jesus calls us to live in community; to share the good and bad times together. i love the way your share your heart.

    know that we are praying for you and what is best for your family. in spite of our plans, god is always in control. i will pray that you can truly find rest in that knowledge. love your friend.