We have a little Bean.
And if I were a good blogger, I would have scanned in an ultrasound picture. But, I hate our scanner and our scanner hates me, so you will have to picture the token Baby Bean ultrasound.
But the story was not what we expected.
When we went in for the ultrasound, my doctor began the procedure and immediately asked if I had had any complications with the pregnancy thus far. The tone in his voice worried me and I told him that everything had been going well. He murmured, "Good," and continued with the ultrasound. I nervously asked him if he saw the baby. He said that Yes! There's the baby! and we saw our little Bean clinging to the side of the screen. The heartbeat came over the monitor and my husband and I smiled at each other and wiped away tears (it's just as exciting the second time, by the way). I asked the doctor why he had asked about complications, and he zoomed out with the screen to show a bigger picture of what was going on.
Just below Baby Bean's sack, there was another sack.
And it was empty.
The pregnancy had started out as twins.
But, somewhere very, very early on, the second baby stopped developing and never grew beyond a cluster of cells. The doctor told me that they don't even consider it a miscarriage, as the pregnancy was literally hours along before it ended. I never "lost" the cells physically as with a miscarriage--they were absorbed. And, within the next few weeks, the sack will be absorbed, too. Because my ultrasound was done so early, we were able to see the original intent of the pregnancy. Had we not had the ultrasound until 8 or 12 weeks, we may never have known.
My reaction was ... confused shock. I sat up and the doctor handed me the pictures and I stared at the picture with both sacks, one carrying our sweet little Bean and the other, empty. My eyes began to water and I felt the tears run down my cheeks. My husband rubbed my hand and my doctor put his arm around me and told me it was okay to be upset. He encouraged me that sometimes our bodies just can't handle two pregnancies at once and we are so fortunate to have one healthy, thriving baby. And, he's right. This sort of thing happens more than we know, but, like I mentioned, they don't consider it a miscarriage. I just didn't know how to feel. I believe life begins at conception, which means I lost a baby ... but the baby never had the chance to even become something that my body knew how to reject. It's just ... I'm not sure. Crazy? Weird? Does the word "weird" sound immature or disrespectful? I just don't know. I wiped my eyes and focused on our little Bean and smiled at the due date printed next to the picture. It's just difficult to imagine that our little Bean had a twin, if only for the briefest of time. Fraternal twins skip a generation in our family and my Mom is a twin and I'm her only daughter, so we knew this was a possibility. But this wasn't what I expected.
I'm happy. I'm thrilled, actually. Little Bean is growing and healthy and so far, things look amazing. It's a lot for me to process, you know? I know as time goes by and the baby continues to grow, I won't think about what "could" have been. God created our bodies to take care of themselves and for some reason or another, one pregnancy was what my body could handle, so far. And we are so thankful and grateful and excited for what lies ahead with our little Bean! And, as we've learned through experience in the past, we trust God with every step. Even when we don't understand the steps or why we are taking them. He is so good and so faithful and so gracious to bless us with another baby on the way. And we won't lose sight of that.
Thank you for your kind thoughts and encouragement. And thank you for joining me in this journey, one precious day at a time!! :)