Love.

Sneezy, Sleepy ... Weepy?

Maybe it was the long conversation I had this past weekend with my Dad about his battle against cancer last summer, and the songs and strength that got him through it.

Or, maybe it was the long conversation I had with my Mom where she cried a little over something that warranted a few tears, and I held her hand.

Or, maybe it was because Naomi was especially fussy yesterday evening.

Or, maybe it was because I've lost five pounds in fifteen days.

Or, maybe it was the changes some loved ones in my life are going through.

Or, maybe it was because Cub was with his grandparents and I was missing him.

But, for whatever reason, I made another batch of cupcakes today ... and cried the entire time. At times I had to stop because I was sobbing, and once the sobbing slowed to sniffling, I'd pick up where I left off, whether it was stirring the batter or frosting the finished cakes. Naomi took an especially long nap and I played the playlist I play every day on my iPod while I baked, and whenever this song came on, I cried a little harder.

It's crazy how sometimes things just hit us, even if they just softly hit us, and their feather-like touch is enough to send us into an emotional train wreck that we can't quite explain.

I'm not completely sure why I cried this afternoon.

All I know is that I needed to do it.

At times I think we make ourselves strong because we have to, or we coat the struggles we face in colors that make them easier to recognize--we compartmentalize them to give them reason and because we give them reason, we think we should be able to deal with them, well, reasonably.

But the small pieces of us that get absorbed in those struggles, no matter how small they may seem, eventually build-up until the only thing that can release them is a good cry. This is true for me, anyway. Not everything can be reasoned away. Sometimes, for no good reason at all, we just need a release.

And after the tears, and after the music, I felt better. I had a delicious batch of cupcakes waiting for me at the end of all of it, too, which was nice.

I share this with you because sometimes I fear that my day-to-day optimism may come across as pretentiousness and the last thing I ever, ever, EVER want to be is pretentious. So, if that thought ever comes into your mind, replace it with the thought of me sitting on the kitchen tile floor, the spatula in my hand dripping with chocolate cupcake batter, my weepy eyes buried into my arms resting on my knees. And for no good reason.

Maybe the "no good" reasons are the best reasons of all for a cry. Maybe.

I'm going to go eat a cupcake now.

My Cupcake.

I adore cupcakes.

Every Sunday, I torture myself by watching Cupcake Wars on The Food Network. There's something about seeing those mini cakes of yumminess displayed in front of the judges prepared by the best bakers in the world that seems thrilling in the most torturous way, perhaps because I can imagine how good those little cupcakes taste ... and that, chances are, I would not be able to eat them.

Between the cake and the frosting, typically there's a bit of dairy in there somewhere.

Well, on Monday, the cupcake craving reached a level of absurdity and I dropped everything to scour the Internet for a good cupcake recipe, sans dairy. I had seen a few before, but after reading them thoroughly and realizing they were healthified cupcakes, I skipped over them, as I prefer that my cupcakes taste sweet and be rather unhealthy. I happily stumbled on this blogger and promptly borrowed her chocolate cupcake recipe, along with her peanut butter frosting recipe. It's vegan. No animal products. I set right to work preparing this tasty treat, and my little Cub happily helped, by shattering a glass vase and drawing on the tile with sidewalk chalk (um, this is when he learned that sidewalk chalk can only be used on the floor OUTSIDE).

But I was not about to be deterred. Between lots of vacuuming, stirring, sweeping, cleaning, pouring, disciplining, and baking, we got it done.

The recipe is fantastic.

Here it is:

For the cupcakes:

1 1/2 cups unbleached white flour

1 cup sugar

1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/3 cup expeller pressed oil (I used olive oil, since it was all I had)

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar (I used lemon juice)

1 cup water (room temperature)

Preheat your oven to 350°

Put the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda and salt into a bowl and whisk well to combine.

(you can do this step in an 8x8 pan if you don’t want cupcakes)

Mix the oil, water, vanilla, and vinegar together in a measuring cup or bowl as best you can.

Pour the liquid mixture over the dry ingredients and stir until just blended.

Line a cupcake tin with paper liners.

Fill each one 3/4 of the way.

Bake for 18 - 20 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.

(Bake for 30 minutes if you’re using an 8x8 pan)

For the frosting:

1/4 cup non dairy butter (I completely omitted this)

1/4 cup palm shortening (I used Crisco)

1/3 cup creamy peanut butter

2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

2 cups powdered sugar

2 tablespoons rice milk (I used almond milk, since almonds and peanuts go hand in hand)

Chocolate sprinkles for decoration (optional)

Beat the non dairy butter and palm shortening with a hand held mixer on medium speed until smooth.

Add the vanilla and peanut butter and beat until very smooth.

Add the sugar and beat again until combined.

With the beater still running, dribble in the rice milk, a little at a time until the frosting is fluffy.

Using a pastry bag and large tip, decorate the cupcakes. (I added a bit of water to the frosting to make it creamy and simply spread it with a spatula.)

And oh my word, they were amazing. The cake was extremely moist and chocolatey, and the frosting was thick and rich. Mmm. My husband and I have all but polished off the entire batch.

And, most importantly, they passed the toddler test.

I'm going to add this one to the books.

Have a lovely day!

Two Months.

Dear Naomi,

You are now two months old.

I can't believe it. Two months already! Slow down, girl!

So many things have happened in this past month. So. Let's get down to it.

Activities

Your biggest accomplishment this past week is your ability to smile. Your eyes smile first. I remember that with your brother, too, and I love that you are the same way. Your eyes light up and then the corners of your mouth slowly begin their ascent until your lips have formed a sweet little grin. Sometimes you only smile with your eyes. I love that, too. You love to stare at us and track our movements. You are also entirely enamored with your big brother. You could sit in your chair forever, staring only at him. Speaking of your chair, that is by far your favorite place to hang out. From your perch in your bouncy chair, you quietly observe the world around you. You spend a lot of time there and never seem antsy for a change of scenery. You like your chair.

Feeding

Mama had to cut dairy from her diet this past month in an attempt to settle your tumultuous tummy. Amazingly, it's worked. Your fussiness has all but disappeared and what we see instead is a happy, content baby. The word I use the most to describe you is sweet. You are truly a sweet little baby girl. After I stopped eating and drinking dairy, you almost immediately set yourself on a little feeding routine, something that was a big of an impossibility before. You eat at 7, 10, 1, 4, 7, and 9, with a middle of the night feeding, falling somewhere between 3-5. It takes you about ten to fifteen minutes total to eat and I appreciate your swift efficiency!

Sleeping

You take four naps a day, after you've been awake for a bit between your feedings. The only two feedings you do not nap between are your last. You are usually in bed between 8:30 and 9:30, although you are pushing that closer and closer to 8:30, which we appreciate! You wake up once in the middle of the night to eat (with the exception of spontaneous growth spurt feedings, as I like to call them) and I love it. I love our sweet snuggle time in your nursery at night, in the quiet darkness. You sleep through the night about once a week, but I am in no hurry for you to master that skill. Please keep these middle of the night feedings just a little longer. Mama's not ready to let them go.

Growth

You weigh 11.5 pounds and are in the 70th percentile for weight. You are 23.6 inches, putting you in the 90th percentile for height. Your little head circumference is 15 inches, putting you in the 35th percentile. You are growing right on track, and yet you still seem so little to us. Our little Mouse. You snuggle perfectly in the crook of my arm.

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of joy you have brought to our lives. Before we knew what was wrong with your tummy, we were so scared, Mouse. Several nights were spent rocking you, with both of us crying, trying to soothe your pain as best as we knew how. I hate to see you hurt, especially when I don't know what to do about it. But, now that the problem is solved, your precious personality is peeking through and we are loving every minute of it. I love my little girl. I love to put bows in your hair. I love to put you in dresses. And I know you will probably rebel against that when you get older. :) More than anything, I love it when our eyes lock and I fall in love with you all over again. Kissing your fuzzy little head and holding your small, unsteady hands is indescribably beautiful. My daughter. Your Dadda is absolutely taken with you and when you give him a smile, he melts and cannot look away.

We cannot imagine our lives without you, little Mouse. We love you.

Love,

Mama

I Bought Green Peppers.

I'm warning you now, there are a lot of pictures in this post. The photography bug bit me on Friday and I've been at it ever since. I've missed picture-taking.

I've mentioned before in previous posts the reasons I love visiting my family in Arkansas. Besides the fact that they are my family and I love them, I also love visiting my home, out in the country, nestled between oak trees overlooking a rolling meadow and more oaks. Cub loves visiting his Memere and Pepere and would spend every second outside if we'd let him. I love all that fresh country air.

On Friday night the sunset was beautiful and we went outside to celebrate it's much-anticipated descent into the horizon. Cub ran into the outlying field surrounded by trees and I took advantage of the glowing light. Love this boy.

Naomi has already visited my parents' house twice in her eight weeks of life and my parents love every minute of it. Their first granddaughter is soaking in the attention!

On Saturday morning, we headed to Fayetteville for their weekly Farmers' Market. This particular Farmers' Market is dear to my heart and my mind is full of lovely memories from spending Saturday mornings there with my Mom, strolling by the fruit and vegetable stands bursting with homegrown goods. I hadn't been there since moving to Oklahoma and decided it was time to go back, adding it to My Mighty Summer List (Number Eight). This Farmers' Market is teeming with energy and beauty, from the radiant colors of the fresh produce to the eclectic cast of characters that spend the morning commiserating with old friends, singing songs and playing music. The infectious energy makes this Market a hard one to leave and we walked the square over and over again, basking in its somewhat addictive eccentricity.

That evening, back at home, my Mom and Cub fed the birds while Naomi and I watched on the porch. My Dad grabbed my camera and did an impromptu shoot of me with my little Mouse. It was sweet.

And then this morning he caught us again. This is probably my favorite picture, complete with messy hair and pajamas. Candids are the best.

It was a lovely weekend.

Have a lovely day!